End Of The Line (2007)

Just to pad out the blog a little in its early form, here's a dialogue I had published a few years ago in BRAND Magazine.

End Of The Line

Scene One

Anton: So what you up to later, Bill?

Billy: Nah, nothing much. Just kick around till tomorrow.

Anton: Translated: it’s pot noodle an’ a wank for Billy boy.

Carl: Nice one Ant, you crack me up mate!

Anton: Cheers. Just make sure you don’t mix the two sauces Bill – you might like it too much.

Carl: Stop it, you’re killing me!

Billy: Shut up you pair, will yer? Just ‘cause I know how to keep from wasting my money.

Anton: Ooh, saving up them pennies like you’ve been saving your virginity? Very shrewd Bill. At least your dosh is by choice, eh?

Carl: Ah, my days, this is too much! Oi oi: Devons Road, Ant.

Anton: Already? Don’t time fly when you’re having a laugh, eh Bill?

Billy: Yeah, whatever.

Carl: ‘Ark at this miserable sod! See you tomorrow Ant. I’ll make sure this one doesn’t get the urge to have a jostle before he even gets home.

Anton: Yeah, yeah you do that. See ya tomorrow lads.

Carl: Alright, later on mate, see ya tomorrow.

Billy: Yeah, bye.

Carl: You alright, Bill? You look a bit downish mate.

Billy: Who, me? Get out of here Carl. I’m on top of the world. What could possibly piss me off today?

Carl: Oh… fair enough mate, it’s just… well, Ant’s a laugh an’ all, but to be honest… I think he was pushing it a little bit. I mean, joke’s a joke… I did try to stop ‘im from going over the top there, but y’know. He could have pushed you too far.

Billy: Yeah, where would I have been without you there to stop ‘im crossing that line eh?

Carl: Don’t worry about it; we are mates after all… Bill, just wondering… what if he did?

Billy: Did what?

Carl: Cross the line. Ant. What if he did go too far?

Billy: Well… Ant’s a good mate an’ all, but I suppose I-

Carl: That’s Dave sitting over there, ain’t it? Dopey git’s right near the inspector an’ all! Oi, Dave! Dave! ‘Ere! Sorry Bill?

Billy: Nah, it’s just… well, Ant’s a top bloke, an’ taking stick’s all part of being mates, but you can only go so long taking it all on your chin. I mean it’s starting to become one-way traffic, an’ if Ant just gave that much stick to everybody else an’ all, I wouldn’t have to think about putting an end to it, y’know what I-

Dave: Wotcher Bill. What’s the racket all about Carl, you mug?

Carl: Mug? Easy Dave, no need to be nasty. Yeah I know what you mean Bill mate, anyway where are you off at Dave? An’ why are you sat so close to the Gestapo over there?

Dave: Two words: Travel. Card. You should try it sometime mate. I’m going HMV in the Wharf; get a DVD or two while the sale’s still on. You off, Billy? Don’t live near Poplar, do yer?

Billy: Nah, my Nan does. I’ll see you tomorrow Carl, later on Dave.

Dave: Yeah, laters mate.

Carl: See ya.

Dave: So where you headed?

Carl: Next stop. Why don’t you just bunk this thing? Piss easy – sod spending dosh going back an’ forth from college!

Dave: Used to, till I got collared by the inspectors last year. My old man had to pay a £100 fine; he made me get a part-time job just to pay it off. All good though – that job now gives me enough money to stop poncing off ‘im an’ buy my own stuff. So what was all that with you pair an’ Ant earlier?

Carl: Oh, me an’ Ant was taking the right piss out of that soppy bastard. Believe it or not, though, Bill said he’s gonna knock Ant spark out if he does it again.

Dave: What, an’ not you? You seem primed for a slap to me, mate.

Carl: What’s that supposed to mean? Anyway, I’ll speak to you Monday or something, that’s if I don’t get caught in between Bill an’ Ant tomorrow! See ya after.

Dave: Later on.

Carl: Eric! What are the chances eh? Substitution for Team DLR! Haha, give ‘em ‘ell mate! See ya during the week geezer.

Eric: Alright Carl? Haha, yeah, good one. See ya. Evening Dave… headed down to the Wharf an’ all?

Dave: Yeah, HMV calls my name. You?

Eric: Top Man, grab a shirt for the weekend. How come you was hanging around with that tosser?

Dave: Wrong place wrong time, my friend. You were half-lucky.

Eric: Yeah, I guess. What was he going on about then?

Dave: Oh, some bollocks he’s probably made up. Apparently that Anton bloke from Business Studies has been upsetting Billy so Bill might smack ‘im one, or something.

Eric: Oh… well listen I’m just gonna go talk to Freddy an’ Gal over there about tomorrow, I’ll meet you in HMV first if you want to come Top Man after, an’ then grab a burger or something?

Dave: Yeah alright, catch you in a bit.

Eric: Freddy, how’s the coursework mate?

Freddy: Ain’t started it. Got till Tuesday… plenty of time. We still going somewhere tomorrow or what?

Eric: Yeah, definitely. Just gotta sort out where.

Gary: Yeah, that’s what we was saying. So what’s the gossip from Dave?

Eric: Not much, he was just saying apparently Billy’s gonna chin Anton from his Business class tomorrow ‘cause of all the mouth he’s been giving ‘im.

Freddy: Seriously? ‘Ere hang on, ain’t they going down the Scream Bar in Stepney tomorrow?

Gary: Gentlemen, I think we’ve found our venue for tomorrow – an’ some free entertainment an’ all!

Eric: Well, whatever. I’m off now, gonna catch Dave up an’ get some threads for tomorrow. You two staying on?

Freddy: Yeah, Gal’s coming round mine to play FIFA. Get off at Mudchute with us, you’ve got enough clothes for tomorrow! Dave won’t mind.

Eric: Nah, maybe another time. I’ll give you pair a bell tomorrow to sort the evening out. Catch ya then.

Freddy: Later on pal.

Gary: See you then mate. Right Fred, if this is really going down, I think it deserves a good turnout. You’d never expect Lennox to box in an empty arena, would ya? Lend us yer phone a sec… Harry? It’s Gary. Still free tomorrow night? Come Scream Bar with Fred an’ me, there’s gonna be a riot by the looks of things…

Scene Two

Anton: Right, here you go lads: Carling for you Bill, an’ here’s your Daniels an’ coke Carl.

Billy: Thanks mate.

Carl: Yeah, err, nice one mate… I’ll have some dosh next Saturday an’ I’ll square the last couple of weeks up completely… I mean it.

Anton: Yeah, whatever – don’t matter anyway, machine paid for these. I know that one off by heart, right: if you ignore the holds three times, you always get enough nudges to-

Carl: Hold on mate, Dave’s over there. I’ll speak to you pair later.

Anton: Erm, okay mate… so what’s cracking Bill? You ain’t exactly been the life of the party tonight.

Billy: No, nothing really. Well, I know blokes are meant to have a laugh…

Anton: Yeah, course! So far you’ve been a miserable bastard!

Billy: Yeah, well… oh, never mind.

Anton: No, come on mate, out with it. I’ve always been straight up with you, ain’t I?

Billy: Alright… well, us blokes always give stick, right? But why have you been coming down on me so much lately? I ain’t the only person in the world you can laugh at, y’know.

Anton: Leave off! I don’t give you that hard a time, do I geezer?

Billy: Well, it’s got to the point that I’m the only one you make fun of, an’ to be honest I can’t hang around with you lot if I’m gonna get treated like that.

Anton: Look… out of our little crew from school days, who is there to have a laugh with? Dave spends all his time with Imogen; John an’ Kev are hardly out anymore; Lee’s moved to Essex…

Billy: What about Carl?

Anton: Carl? Are you kidding me? He’s a giant baby; you can’t say ‘boo’ to ‘im without ‘im throwing a paddy. To be honest, after all these years, you’re the only one who’s always there for nights out, to do coursework with, you’re the only one whose house I feel welcome in… basically, you’re me best mate. If I’m going over the top, well then-

Harry: Ant, Bill, alright?

Anton: Yeah, you?

Harry: Yeah, I’m fine – you two made up fast, though!

Billy: Eh?

Harry: Well, you was telling everyone you was gonna chin Ant, weren’t you Bill?

Anton: You what?

Billy: I never said that!

Gary: We heard you two was slaggin’ each other off an’ was gonna scuff.

Freddy: Yeah, so who won?

Anton: Hold on, I’ve got a text.

Harry: Don’t bottle it, Ant! If he’s mouthing off behind your back, deck ‘im!

Carl: Evening boys! Dave’s bird just got here, so what you up to?

Eric: I think there’s gonna be a fight, based on what you was telling Dave yesterday.

Carl: Eh? What you going on about?

Anton: Right, now I’m pissed off. I ain’t heard a word about this ‘till now… so that’s how it is, is it Bill?

Billy: I ain’t been mouthing you off, Ant! Honest!

Anton: Shut it – there’s no more talking. Only one thing left to do.

Harry: Fight! Fight!

Freddy: Knock ‘im out!

Eric: Holy shit! What a punch!

Gary: Ha, the bouncers ain’t noticed a thing! Not even the two pints that went flying!

Harry: Well, that’s that… is it still free entry at Yates’?

Freddy: Yeah, let’s roll.

Eric: I’m sticking around, catch you three later… you’re bleeding, Carl.

Carl: I know! Sod you Anton, you big wanker.

Anton: Go on, run home to mummy.

Eric: I, erm, well… the itBox is calling my name. Sorry if I…

Billy/Anton: S’alright.

Eric: See ya’s.

Billy: So, how did you-

Anton: I know what he’s like. Anyway, that was Dave texting me… reckons Carl’s been bragging about stirring it since yesterday. Plus… that was decent earlier, the way you said… y’know, man-to-man.

Billy: Oh… well, cheers. Friends?

Anton: Course!

Billy: That sod took our drinks out on the way down. It’s my shout – same again?

Anton: Yeah, nice one – just don’t go to the fruit machine for cash, I’ve taken it to the cleaners already!